Peace, Joy, and Fries

Let’s be honest for a minute. I’ve forgotten I love to cook. I’ve forgotten my passions. That’s what happens when you get bogged down in emotion and are stuck there. I love to cook. I love to fill others bellies. I love the smells, tastes, and textures of a well formed recipe. The smell of rosemary mixed with cream cheese, cinnamon on a baked apple, curry on an egg with kale.

I have other passions I’ve forgotten about. I want to be a certified yoga instructor but need to get back to a daily practice. I love the stars. I love science. I love the temple.

I haven’t forgotten I love to run. In autumn with the crunch of orange and red leaves under my feet and the smells only autumn can bring. In winter with the biting chill and the silence that comes with snow. In spring, the brilliance of the sun warming my skin. In summer, the heat and the sweat bring challenges and force you to push yourself. All the while, through each season and through each run, a chance to think about life, solve problems, find peace in the moment and joy in reaching new goals. There is peace in running.

I used to find that peace in food – which some might understandably see as unhealthy. But flavor and our sense of smell, they are so easily connected to emotion. I’ve allowed myself to lose that part I enjoy. It is time to find it again.

I also find joy at Fizz n Fryz, LOL! Today was a great day! I was able to close on a house that has been listed for a long time. It was time to celebrate, so as a family we went over to Fizz n Fryz. I think it’s safe to say that’s my new favorite place! Mmmmm cheese sauce…

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This blog…

…is about to cover a lot more than just food. Our life, my husband and my boy. Facebook is starting to get to me. There seems to be a constant stream of…well, crap. I want to know how my friends and family are doing. I don’t mind seeing a funny post once in awhile, but now there are hundreds of those PLUS what Facebook thinks I might be interested in. My brain hurts. I feel like (and most likely am) a lab rat.

A lot’s been going on. I haven’t bothered to get the official diagnosis (I’m only one step away anyway), but am most likely bipolar. I’m officially diagnosed with a major depressive disorder. All you need to add to that are the highs that no one ever goes to the doctor for because they feel great. Seriously, why would anyone go when they feel good. I don’t hallucinate and I don’t think I will solve world hunger, but when I get excited about something – it’s REALLY excited. Like, I go from feeling pretty bland most of the time to super excited. Yea, that’s not normal. Besides, the next day I usually end up feeling low and like the world sucks and I want to sleep all day or stare at the wall. So yea, I’m not giving my doctors any more money. I recognize what is going on. Now people need to just not be offended the days when I avoid them. I promise its for their own good as much as its for mine!

Aside from that, there is the never ending battle of unexplained secondary infertility. I want to break free from it. I want to let it all go. I start to think that maybe I’m comfortable with the idea of letting go and being done, but then there are about a million posts on that evil Facebook. On average for the last 5 years, at least 5 of my friends at a time are pregnant. I usually discover all their announcements the same night.  I spend the next 9 months listening to complaints about morning sickness and body pains and joyful shower announcements, gender, what clothes to buy, what new equipment is needed if its not the first kid, and “oh my gosh we need a bigger car to fit our huge family that is driving me nuts”. Then I hear all the birth stories. A month or two passes and the next round of at least 5 friend make their announcements. 

This has happened continually-I kid you not (har har har).

So yes, I’d like to break free from that, but according to my naturopath, I’m a red which seems to mean I have to solve things. Well, I’d agree with that.

Reproductive endocrinology has yielded absolutely zilch. I thought that was the end of the road. But I’m a physical mess so I was looking things up about allergies and what not and some how stumbled across Reproductive IMMUNOLOGY. What’s that?! Never heard of it. I start to research it and it turns out I’m a pretty darn good candidate. Lots of women with unexplained infertility have immune problems. Fix those and BAM! they’re pregnant.

So of course now that I’ve stumbled across a new possibility, I won’t be able to let it go til it is fully explored. The blood work’s already been ordered.

Despite all that, have I mentioned I have a dream of a child? He is my miracle boy. Typical story – 3 months without even trying. He has been frustrating on every level, but I have never felt so much joy and love. HE is the reason I want another so badly. He is growing up so quickly and yet sooooo slowly. We’ve reached a new phase where I can actually trust him to get chores done. We don’t fight about it anymore, he just helps. It’s the most amazing thing. Ok, maybe a little fighting – but seriously it feels like nothing compared to his very noisy past.

I’ve written enough for the day. He wants to watch the final Harry Potter and I think I’ll sit and veg and eat a poorly constructed dinner with him.

We’ve had an eventful summer and we’re not done yet. This past weekend was the Utah Spartan Beast and I will fill a post with it!

An Unexpected Post

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Some people say writing or doing things late at night is not a good idea. People tend to be too emotional or act out of character. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are the most real at night when I have time to think. It’s the time of day I really analyze what I’m feeling. Maybe that’s the curse of being a night owl.

This is a blog created to show my excitement about food and my adventures in vegetarian fare. I meant to keep up with my diet as it progressed. I experimented with different diet rules as I’ve tried to figure out my health. I was eventually led back to eating meat. I’m now trying to find my way back to being vegetarian. I miss it but habits die hard – so I’m trying.

The post I’m writing tonight is not about food. My name is Liz. I am a faithful Latter Day Saint aka Mormon and I am dealing with Secondary Infertility.

I’ve spent six years dealing with this and in that time, much less in fact, I’ve discovered all the comments people can possibly come up with about my situation. The first to address would be those dealing with Primary Infertility. I know how much they must hurt. They hurt when they see me “complaining” about not being able to have a second child because they do not have even one. I am not belittling their pain. I simply wish to state that I do in fact understand their pain. My pain is not the same but it hurts just as much.

This month sucks. I have just completed my 7th round of Clomid and our second IUI (intrauterine insemination) and it didn’t work. I have so many thoughts running around in my head but most of them come back to asking Heavenly Father why he hasn’t done what he promised which was to give us a second child. I believe completely in my husband’s authority to exercise the Priesthood. We’ve had many amazing things happen to us which could only happen with the guidance of the Holy Ghost. I feel like we have been literally led from one place to another – one job to another, one state to another across the country – and yet here I am wondering why this one thing remains unfulfilled.

We have done all that we have been asked and not once has it crossed my mind that it has all been in our heads. Maybe I will write posts following this about what kind of journey we have had since 2008 because I’m sure a lot of what I write does not in fact make sense. Regardless, we have sold a house when we didn’t want to, moved across the country when we didn’t want to, lived in a house that was unhealthy, searched for new work, came back across the country and accumulated debt while doing so. We have served, we have sought out those ignored and tried to make sure they know they are not invisible and are loved. We have done so much and yet this blessing is held back.

I have been told in priesthood blessings that I will understand why I have not gotten pregnant. I have been told that more than once. But while I sit here and wait – it is so hard not to become bitter and upset with my Heavenly Father for not being clearer – for not providing answers. I feel jaded. I feel withdrawn. I feel angry. I feel ignored.

I have spent 6 years coming up with boy and girl names just waiting for the opportunity to actually use one. I hear a name and ask my husband what he thinks. I need to stop doing that. I have told myself the last couple days that its just not going to happen. Even with medical help, I can’t seem to get pregnant. My husband travels and now the timing is all screwed up. If Heavenly Father wanted me to get pregnant, wouldn’t it have happened when the timing was right for my husband to be home? I feel like I am being forced to accept that it is just not going to happen.

I can’t keep hoping every month. I can’t keep looking at other babies and thinking how nice it will be when I finally get to do that again. I can’t keep picking out baby names or looking at girl clothes and thinking “someday I’ll get something like this for my girl”. I can’t keep thinking of how I will fit a crib in my house or how I’ll handle a baby while taking care of my older child. I think I’m done trying. I’ve given all the emotion I possibly can and after 6 years I’m empty.

I know many of you won’t understand this post. It will sound like whining. To others it will ring true. Some will try to fix the situation and make me feel better by telling me not to give up and just trust in God. Well I’ll tell ya, I’m trying but trust is a two way street and I have been waiting and things have been awfully silent.

I don’t want to fix my situation anymore. I don’t want to convince my husband that adoption or foster care is right for us. I am tired of trying. Right now I am bitter and upset with Heavenly Father. I know the way to fix that is with service. Part of me says to go there but a bigger part says we’ve done that already and now we are back to hurting.

I felt the need to write this post because I have a lot of emotion cooped up right now. I don’t let other people see deep into what I am feeling. Even my husband seems to have to guess when I am crying or what I’m even crying over. I don’t cry on people’s shoulders. For some reason I am comfortable opening up while writing and this seems to be a therapeutic way to work things out.

So there you have it. I’m LDS, infertile and mad. I’m trying to distract myself with lots of gym time and running. I’ve gotten my license in real estate. I’m keeping myself busy. But in the back of all that, my life still runs two weeks at a time.

 

Garden Beet Roast

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I went to a friend’s house the other day to help pick green beans. His entire back yard is a garden! It’s beautiful! By the time we were done with the beans, we had filled two grocery bags. Before I left, my friend loaded me up with beets, broccoli, cabbage, red onions, new potatoes and cilantro. It was like I had just been to the grocery store!

I knew I had to cook something up soon and so I threw this recipe together and called it Garden Beet Roast.

This is a fairly simple recipe and so I will not give exact amounts. I eyed everything. If you feel you need actual measurements, feel free to message me and I will help you with that.

For this roast I used red onion, beets, zucchini, new potato and carrots. Sprinkle it with cheese, olive oil, balsamic and garlic salt. Depending on the oven, roast your veggies uncovered for 40 minutes at 400 degrees. Afterwards for some crunch I added some French fried onions. It was quite tasty!

Hobby Farm Dreams

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I’ve got dreams people. BIG dreams. Not big as in I want to be a celebrity or anything. Big as in I want some decent sized land! Someday it’ll happen. Then I can be like my friend Crystal in Idaho. She and I are similar in that we both moved from places we loved and gave up a lot, then after a year we were suddenly able to move back! Her situation happened a little bit after mine, but at least someone out there understands my experience!

Anyhow, Crystal has land – I hope she gets some more sheep and horses soon :) My dream is that someday I can have land. Be fairly self-sufficient. I currently have chickens. The problem is I can’t bring myself to eat them. It’s only six so I’m a little attached. Maybe if I had like 50 chickens, then I could eat a few of them and not get attached. If we had some more land, I’d plot out a quarter acre fruit and vegetable garden. I’d get some merino sheep or better yet, some alpaca!

However, for only half an acre, I gotta say we’re doing mighty fine!

Plan for upcoming posts

I went through my pictures and realized I have so many to put on the blog that never made it here. So I will begin posting old dishes I’ve made during the last year. WARNING: They will not be gluten free and most likely not candida friendly!
However, from this point on, the recipes I make will be gluten free and mostly candida friendly, I’ll be sure to mention it in the post. And just to be safe, the posts covering the last year will have something mentioning that and that they are not gluten friendly.

 

I must say that Karina from Gluten Free Goddess is a genius! Everything I’ve made from her site has been wonderful! I made bread yesterday and it turned out so soft and didn’t taste strange. Ahhhhh, bread. Once I get comfortable with gluten free baking, I will try to figure out my own gluten free flour mix combo and try my hand at some homemade recipes. I did try that with brownies but quickly learned buckwheat is a terrible sub all by itself. The brownies were completely nonabsorbent! I stuck them in a bowl of milk to soften them up and they refused to take any of it in!

 

So hopefully soon some new blogs will begin to appear. This season is always so busy. I am trying to get the Christmas cards out and I didn’t realize how time consuming they are!

I owe you an apology…

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Dear Readers,

I have totally sucked at keeping up with this blog. I think mostly because I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on with my diet and I feel scattered brained because of it.

I’ve gone a few different directions with the Candida Diet. I began allowing sugar in a few weeks ago mostly to test things out. I also allowed gluten. Things actually seemed fine with the sugar but once I started having lots of things with gluten in them, my sinuses began threatening an infection. I hurt for days and lessened my sugar thinking that was the problem. Afterall, why would it be the gluten, my stomach wasn’t hurting. But then I came across some posts online where people said their sinus infections were in fact caused by gluten. I figured I would go ahead and see what happens if I took gluten away again and kept a modest amount of sugar. Well, within 2 days my sinuses cleared up and my headaches and brain fog went away again. Seems to me I definitely have a gluten intolerance that just manifests a bit differently. I’m not excited about this but I’ve had some time to get used to the lifestyle so I don’t feel overwhelmed by it right now. It’s a good thing I like rice!

Chili Cookoff and Cupcakes!

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Tonight is the chili cook-off and my chili is currently sitting in a crock pot waiting to go. It smells so good! I am doing these posts a little out of order but I made this chili to test it out a week ago and its quite good. Now I just need to get some pics up. I will be sure to post pictures tonight of the chili cook off and the kids in all their costumes!

Since I know there will lots of yummy goodness tonight and to help myself avoid temptation, I borrowed a recipe from Karina from Gluten Free Goddess and tweaked it a little. Instead of coffee in the cupcakes and the icing, I just used more chocolate :) Now I DO have pictures for that! These are gluten free, sugar free (I used Stevia) cupcakes, icing included. I think I will mess with the recipe a bit, these seemed a little too heavy and I’d like to lighten them up a bit. I know I’ll have cupcake cravings in the future!

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