An Unexpected Post

Some people say writing or doing things late at night is not a good idea. People tend to be too emotional or act out of character. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are the most real at night when I have time to think. It’s the time of day I really analyze what I’m feeling. Maybe that’s the curse of being a night owl.

This is a blog created to show my excitement about food and my adventures in vegetarian fare. I meant to keep up with my diet as it progressed. I experimented with different diet rules as I’ve tried to figure out my health. I was eventually led back to eating meat. I’m now trying to find my way back to being vegetarian. I miss it but habits die hard – so I’m trying.

The post I’m writing tonight is not about food. My name is Liz. I am a faithful Latter Day Saint aka Mormon and I am dealing with Secondary Infertility.

I’ve spent six years dealing with this and in that time, much less in fact, I’ve discovered all the comments people can possibly come up with about my situation. The first to address would be those dealing with Primary Infertility. I know how much they must hurt. They hurt when they see me “complaining” about not being able to have a second child because they do not have even one. I am not belittling their pain. I simply wish to state that I do in fact understand their pain. My pain is not the same but it hurts just as much.

This month sucks. I have just completed my 7th round of Clomid and our second IUI (intrauterine insemination) and it didn’t work. I have so many thoughts running around in my head but most of them come back to asking Heavenly Father why he hasn’t done what he promised which was to give us a second child. I believe completely in my husband’s authority to exercise the Priesthood. We’ve had many amazing things happen to us which could only happen with the guidance of the Holy Ghost. I feel like we have been literally led from one place to another – one job to another, one state to another across the country – and yet here I am wondering why this one thing remains unfulfilled.

We have done all that we have been asked and not once has it crossed my mind that it has all been in our heads. Maybe I will write posts following this about what kind of journey we have had since 2008 because I’m sure a lot of what I write does not in fact make sense. Regardless, we have sold a house when we didn’t want to, moved across the country when we didn’t want to, lived in a house that was unhealthy, searched for new work, came back across the country and accumulated debt while doing so. We have served, we have sought out those ignored and tried to make sure they know they are not invisible and are loved. We have done so much and yet this blessing is held back.

I have been told in priesthood blessings that I will understand why I have not gotten pregnant. I have been told that more than once. But while I sit here and wait – it is so hard not to become bitter and upset with my Heavenly Father for not being clearer – for not providing answers. I feel jaded. I feel withdrawn. I feel angry. I feel ignored.

I have spent 6 years coming up with boy and girl names just waiting for the opportunity to actually use one. I hear a name and ask my husband what he thinks. I need to stop doing that. I have told myself the last couple days that its just not going to happen. Even with medical help, I can’t seem to get pregnant. My husband travels and now the timing is all screwed up. If Heavenly Father wanted me to get pregnant, wouldn’t it have happened when the timing was right for my husband to be home? I feel like I am being forced to accept that it is just not going to happen.

I can’t keep hoping every month. I can’t keep looking at other babies and thinking how nice it will be when I finally get to do that again. I can’t keep picking out baby names or looking at girl clothes and thinking “someday I’ll get something like this for my girl”. I can’t keep thinking of how I will fit a crib in my house or how I’ll handle a baby while taking care of my older child. I think I’m done trying. I’ve given all the emotion I possibly can and after 6 years I’m empty.

I know many of you won’t understand this post. It will sound like whining. To others it will ring true. Some will try to fix the situation and make me feel better by telling me not to give up and just trust in God. Well I’ll tell ya, I’m trying but trust is a two way street and I have been waiting and things have been awfully silent.

I don’t want to fix my situation anymore. I don’t want to convince my husband that adoption or foster care is right for us. I am tired of trying. Right now I am bitter and upset with Heavenly Father. I know the way to fix that is with service. Part of me says to go there but a bigger part says we’ve done that already and now we are back to hurting.

I felt the need to write this post because I have a lot of emotion cooped up right now. I don’t let other people see deep into what I am feeling. Even my husband seems to have to guess when I am crying or what I’m even crying over. I don’t cry on people’s shoulders. For some reason I am comfortable opening up while writing and this seems to be a therapeutic way to work things out.

So there you have it. I’m LDS, infertile and mad. I’m trying to distract myself with lots of gym time and running. I’ve gotten my license in real estate. I’m keeping myself busy. But in the back of all that, my life still runs two weeks at a time.